


death makes us homesick

by mimizans



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Goodbyes, M/M, Pre-Poly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21724126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mimizans/pseuds/mimizans
Summary: set during episode 1x107. vax says goodbye to gilmore.“If you want to tell someone in person," Keyleth says, "we can go there. Since we’re up so early, we’ll probably be back before anyone else is even out of bed.” She’s looking up at him with wide eyes, like she’s trying to will him to realize something. “Like, someone in Emon, maybe...?” She raises her eyebrows. Vax wants to laugh. She’s never been good at subtlety.“I don’t know,” Vax says quietly. “Seems like every time I go to see him it’s to ruin his day.”“He’d want to know, though,” Keyleth says, propping herself up on her elbow. “He loves you.”“He shouldn’t,” Vax says.“Maybe none of us should, but we do,” Keyleth replies.
Relationships: Keyleth/Vax'ildan (Critical Role), Shaun Gilmore/Vax'ildan
Comments: 26
Kudos: 102





	death makes us homesick

**Author's Note:**

> this was inspired by the moment in "the search for grog" when keyleth confirms with gilmore that he knew vax's death was coming, and by liam's tweet from awhile back that vax's greatest regret was causing gilmore any pain. i wanted to hurt myself and others so i thought, "what if vax did go tell gilmore that he was going to die after defeating vecna?" 
> 
> takes place during 1x107 when they're spending the night in vasselheim.

There’s no sunrise in Scanlan’s mansion, but Vax wakes early anyway. He’s fully alert as soon as sleep slips away, no dregs of slumber lingering in his mind or clouding his eyes. He springs awake like he was never sleeping at all - like maybe he’s not meant to sleep anymore. The air of the bedroom is pleasantly warm around him but he’s cold, his skin chilly to the touch. It’s a pretty much permanent state of affairs now, and he doesn’t pay it any mind. He doesn’t have time to dwell on things like that anymore.

Instead he dwells on Keyleth, curled up under the covers beside him. Her expressive face is soft in sleep, her mouth slightly open. She’s breathing deep and steady, and her skin is warm when Vax runs a finger along her arm. Once he’s started touching her, he can’t bring himself to stop. He runs his fingers along her collarbone, the shell of her ear, the freckled slope of her nose. Every touch is a revelation and the softest goodbye. Vax is keenly aware that each night he spends with her may be the last, that every kiss might be the final time he kisses her. A reel runs in his mind of every missed opportunity, every choice he wishes he’d made differently, every door he shut but could’ve kept open, and he’s immensely grateful that all of his fuck-ups weren’t enough to keep him from this moment with this woman. 

Keyleth stirs under his hands, her eyes slipping open in an adorable squint. She lets out a deep sigh and then closes them again, turning her face against the pillow. “Good morning,” Vax says, smiling down at her. 

“Morning,” Keyleth mumbles, her voice distorted by the pillow she’s talking into. “What time is it?” 

“I don’t think the sun’s up yet,” Vax says, running a reverent hand down her arm just to watch the trail of goosebumps he leaves in his wake.

“Then why are you awake?” Keyleth groans, turning her face more firmly into the pillow. 

“Couldn’t sleep,” Vax says. “I don’t think I need to as much, since...”

That makes Keyleth turn her head and look at him, her soft, sleepy expression turning to stone. “Since you’re going to be dead soon?” she asks. Her voice holds none of her anger from the past few days, just the same crippling sadness from the night before. 

“Oh, Kiki,” Vax says, rolling over and pulling her to him. She’s so much taller than him but she feels small in his arms, her knees curled up and her face pressed to his chest. He knows there’s nothing he can say that will make this any easier, so he just holds her and listens to the rhythmic in-and-out of her breathing. 

“Sorry,” she whispers eventually. “It’s hard. There’ll be a minute where I’m not thinking about, but then I remember. And the good feeling from the moment before feels like a lie.”

“I’m sorry to do this to you,” Vax says quietly. “To everyone. I think this is worse than me just dying.”

“Maybe,” Keyleth says, her voice a little bit stronger, “but I wouldn’t give up any time with you, even if it hurts. I think... Is there anybody else that you want to tell? Anybody else who should know before it happens?” Keyleth hesitates. “Your father, maybe? I know it’s a rough relationship, but...” She trails off after a moment, chewing on her lower lip.

Vax rolls onto his back with a sigh. “No, I don’t give a fuck if he knows. You all are my family. He didn’t want me when I was alive, why should he care if I’m dead?”

Keyleth nods against his chest. Her hand is making circles on his stomach, carefully avoiding the dark black stain across his chest. He wonders if she can hear the too-slow beat of his heart. 

“Anybody else?” Keyleth asks. “If you want to tell someone in person, we can tree stride there. Since we’re up so early, we’ll probably be back before anyone else is even up.” She’s looking up at him with wide eyes, like she’s trying to will him to realize something. “Like, someone in Emon maybe...?" She raises her eyebrows. Vax wants to laugh. She’s never been good at subtlety.

“I don’t know,” Vax says quietly. “Seems like every time I go to see him it’s to ruin his day.”

“He’d want to know, though,” Keyleth says, propping herself up on her elbow. “He loves you.”

“He shouldn’t,” Vax says.

“Maybe none of us should, but we do,” Keyleth replies. Then, more quietly, “I’m sorry you won’t get to talk to him like you wanted to.”

Vax knows what she’s talking about. He remembers a sunny day in Zephrah underneath the cherry tree, watching life in the village happen around them. Things were so different there, everything a little more fluid. Days seemed endless and full of promise, and when Keyleth had clocked his introspective silence and asked if there was anything he wanted to talk about, he’d seen the future roll out before him like a carpet, stretching so much farther than he’d ever thought it would. Anything seemed possible just then - he’d already gotten so much that he wanted, why couldn’t he ask for a little more? 

And so he’d spilled his guts to Keyleth, like he had so many times before, and she listened without reacting, like she’d been learning to do, and she’d smiled at him when he was done, waiting in terrified silence to be told that not only would he not get a little more, he would lose what he had. “I like that idea,” she’d told him quietly, leaning in like she was trusting him with a secret. “You should talk to Gilmore about it.” At that moment, riding on the high, Vax had felt like he had forever. He couldn’t have known that a few weeks later they’d all be back in terrible danger. That he’d be dead, or on his way to it. He hadn’t thought waiting a little while would matter. He thought he’d have more time.

“Me too,” Vax says. “I would’ve loved for him to see Zephrah.”

“I’ll make sure he does,” Keyleth says, her voice still soft. 

Vax almost cries then, thinking of what he’ll miss - Keyleth and Gilmore in the sun, their hair caught in the breeze, both of them shining so bright, and both of them, maybe, _his_. He swallows back the impulse. There’s no use in it, really. Their lives will go on, and he’s happy that they’ll get the chance to keep being bright. 

Vax clears his throat to stave off the tears. “Are you okay with tree-striding to Emon, then?” he asks.

“Of course,” Keyleth replies, already sitting up and getting out of bed. 

Vax grabs her by the hand as she starts to move away and presses a gentle kiss to her knuckles. “Thank you, Kiki. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Keyleth says, and if her eyes are beginning to get wet when she turns away to get dressed, Vax isn’t going to say anything.

They get ready and head down to the door of the mansion, not bothering to tiptoe past anyone’s rooms. After all, it’s not like what they’re doing or where they’re going needs to be kept a secret. Still, Vax hopes that their footfalls don’t prompt anyone to stick their heads out of their doors. This outing feels like a pilgrimage, deeply personal, and he doesn’t think he could deal with any ribbing right now.

They make their way out the door of the mansion and into the chilly morning air of Vasselheim, the city just beginning to come alive. The streets are as silent as those of big city can be, and they hardly pass anyone on the way to the Abundant Terrace. Vax holds Keyleth’s hand the whole way, and she swings their arms gently between them.

They find their way to an appropriately large tree and Vax is forced to let go of Keyleth’s hand so that she can complete the motions needed to cast the spell. Soon enough, the familiar doorway is open in the trunk of the tree. “After you,” Keyleth says, and follows Vax through.

The bright light and sweeping stained glass of the chapel make Vax blink his eyes. It must be close to noon here in Emon, if the chapel is getting this much sun. Keyleth appears beside him, and a smile flits across his lips as he watches the bands of colored light play on her face. 

“Do you want me to come with you?” Keyleth asks hesitantly. “Or should I, like, wait here?”

“Come with me, of course,” Vax says. He begins to lead her out of the chapel. “As if I’d go anywhere without you right now.”

Sadness is set into the lines of Keyleth’s normally sunny face nowadays, but she nods and walks a little closer to him.

-

A cacophony of delicate bells announce their entry, and Vax sees Sherri look up from the book she’s reading at the counter. “Oh, hello,” she says, bookmarking her page with her finger. “It’s been a little while since you last dropped in. How are you?”

“We’re, um, fine,” Keyleth answers. “We’re good. Um, is, uh, Gilmore here?”

“Yes, he’s in the back,” Sherri says, looking between the two of them. They must be acting weird right now, with Keyleth stuttering her way through hellos and Vax silent and pale as a sheet, but Sherri has too much experience dealing with Vox Machina to question it beyond raising her eyebrows. “Should I go tell him you’re here?”

“Yes, please,” Vax manages to get out. “If you could let him know.”

Sherri nods and does a visual sweep of the store to make sure nothing hinky’s going on before she goes through the new beaded curtain and disappears. She’s back a few moments later with Gilmore in tow, sweeping past the curtain with his large, bright smile. “Vax’ildan! Princess Keyleth! How wonderful to see you again,” he says, and pulls them both into hugs. His hugs have always been wonderful, warm and soft and strong, and Vax relishes this one. Gilmore presses a kiss to Keyleth’s cheek in greeting, but simply takes Vax’s face in his hands and gives him a nod. “It’s been too long since I’ve seen you. When was the last time you were here, a couple of months ago?”

“Yeah, that sounds about right,” Keyleth says, and when she fails to elaborate Gilmore looks them both up and down, taking in their clutched hands, Keyleth fidgeting with her cape, and Vax’s pale, wan face. 

“Are you just here for the pleasure of my company,” he says slowly, his grand smile fading to something more subdued, “or was there something else?”

“There’s something else,” Vax says. He reaches out and takes Gilmore’s hand with his free one. “I need to talk to you about something.”

Gilmore’s smile disappears entirely, replaced by a frown that creases his thick eyebrows. “Alright. Well, do you want to come into the back? I’ll put on some tea.”

“You two go talk,” Keyleth says, squeezing Vax’s hand and then withdrawing hers. “I’m gonna stay out here and look at all the new stuff.” She’s bolted to the nearest display before either Vax or Gilmore can respond. She pretends to immediately become engrossed in examining a book on advanced alchemy, seemingly chosen from the shelf at random.

“Please excuse us,” Vax says in answer to Gilmore and Sherri’s matching looks of confusion and worry. “It’s... a tough time right now. Shall we?” he says, gesturing to Gilmore’s sitting room behind the beaded curtain.

“Certainly, my dear,” Gilmore says, pulling his hand from Vax’s and holding open the curtain for him. He casts one more worried look at Keyleth before following Vax inside. 

The room is familiar, full of deep, saturated colors and gold accents. Vax takes a moment to look at it fondly, another in a long list of lasts, before sitting down in one of the plush chairs and waiting for Gilmore to get the tea. 

When Gilmore comes back from the kitchen, there’s a tray with a steaming pot and two teacups floating along beside him. The tray comes to rest gently on the low table in front of Vax. “There we are,” Gilmore says. He fills the cups with fragrant tea, his movements practiced and sure. The scent of the tea wafts up to Vax’s nose, spicy and herbal. “I’ll let you fix it how you’d like,” Gilmore continues, nodding towards the sugar, cream, and honey on the tray. 

“Thank you,” Vax says, but doesn’t move to pick up his tea cup. He watches Gilmore’s steady hands as he makes his tea and raises it to his lips to sip. “I don’t quite know where to begin.”

“Well, I assume there’s been some trouble?” Gilmore prompts. “Both you and Keyleth seem to be on edge.”

“Yes, you could say that,” Vax says, breathing out deeply and leaning back slightly in his chair. “We thought we’d get a chance at some peace and quiet, you know? And we did, for a little while. But now there’s something else.”

“This has to do with the orb underneath Whitestone, I take it?” Gilmore says. “Yes, Allura sent me a message saying that there had been some developments on that front.”

“We found another orb, Shaun,” Vax says, and Gilmore looks up at him sharply. “And we traveled through it. And we fought him, Vecna. That asshole lich who wants to be a god. Is a god, now.”

Vax can see the questions spring to Gilmore's mind, each more pressing than the last. “Are you all alright?” Gilmore asks, his eyes wide. “Where are the others?”

“They’re fine, they’re in Vasselheim. Keyleth and I came to see you because... I’m not fine.” Vax takes a deep breath and continues. “I died, Shaun. Disintegration spell.” Vax doesn't elaborate. He doesn't really need to. Gilmore can _cast_ Disintegrate; he's well aware of its effects on a killing blow. 

Gilmore sets down his tea cup with a rattle and reaches out. Vax isn’t sure for what, and maybe Gilmore doesn’t know either - but when Vax leans forward and catches Gilmore’s hand between both of his, Gilmore holds on tight. “How...?” Gilmore asks, his eyes skimming over Vax’s body for any trace of illusion or projection. He finds nothing, and looks back into Vax’s face.

“I made a deal with the Raven Queen, as I was about to pass over," Vax says. "She let me come back to finish Vecna. To help my family. I don't know if I'm really... alive, anymore. I'm only here because she wills it."

Vax sees Gilmore swallow thickly. "And after you've defeated Vecna?" 

"I'll go back to her," Vax confirms. “My time on this plane has an expiration date, and it’s... coming up soon.” 

Vax watches as Gilmore processes what he’s said, as the cogs turn in his mind, as the tears spring to his eyes and start to trail down his cheeks. Vax hates seeing Gilmore cry, and hates even more that every time he's seen it it's been his fault. Gilmore is the sort of person, Vax thinks, who should never have to cry - he's too good for it, too bright and kind, and yet tears seem to be all that Vax can bring him. 

“Your hand is so cold,” Gilmore says, wrapping his hand more securely around Vax’s, the two of them leaning over the coffee table to touch each other. 

"Side effect," Vax replies. 

Gilmore laughs, and it’s thick with tears. “Why is that every time you tell me we need to talk you ruin my day?”

“I’m so sorry, Shaun,” Vax says, and leans his head on their joined hands. “I wanted you to know before it happened, so that we could say goodbye. Would you rather I hadn’t told you?” 

Gilmore rests his free hand on the top of Vax’s head. “No, no, I’m glad you told me. I’m glad you thought me important enough to tell.”

Vax slowly lifts his head, and Gilmore’s hand falls to his cheek, cradling it gently. “I love you, Shaun. You know that.”

“I do,” Gilmore says, his smile trembling. “And you know my feelings for you, Vax’ildan. I will miss you immensely.”

“If I don’t get a chance to see you again,” Vax says, “I need you to know that I was a better man because I knew you. You’re an amazing, talented, beautiful, _glorious_ person and I love you. I have so many regrets, but my biggest one is that I hurt you, over and over, and I’ll never get to make up for it. I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”

“I appreciate that,” Gilmore says, caressing Vax’s cheek gently with his thumb. “But I don’t regret any of the time I spent with you, even when it was painful. You were a fantastic adventure, Vax. It was an honor to know you, and an honor to love you.”

Vax knows he shouldn’t say it, he’s caused Gilmore so much pain already, but Gilmore is right here, close and warm, and he'll never get another chance, so he opens his mouth and says, “If I’d had more time, if this hadn’t happened -”

Gilmore shakes his head firmly, cutting Vax off. “Let’s not, my bird. There are too many what-ifs, and they don’t matter now.” 

Vax nods and closes his mouth, swallowing down the whole confession. “I just don’t want you to doubt that I love you. Have loved you.”

“I have never doubted it,” Gilmore says. He retrieves his hand from between Vax’s so that he can frame Vax’s face. He leans forward and places a kiss on Vax’s forehead, tenderly enough that Vax almost starts crying.

“Good,” he says instead, his voice wavering slightly. “That’s good.”

Gilmore pulls back, but he keeps cradling Vax’s face. Vax is grateful; he feels oddly light right now, like he might float away without Gilmore's hands on him. “Do you have any idea when...?” Gilmore asks. He trails off like he can't bring himself to finish the question. 

“Soon,” Vax replies. “Within the next few days.”

Gilmore inhales sharply. “That soon,” he says, low enough that it sounds like he’s saying it to himself. He closes his eyes for a moment, and when he opens them again they’re wet with fresh tears. “Well,” he says, more loudly, “thank you, sincerely, for taking the time to come and tell me. With everything else going on, you really didn’t have to.”

“I really did,” Vax says, shaking his head.

Gilmore smiles at him indulgently, like he always has, and if Vax’s heartbeat was capable of speeding up, it would. “Either way,” Gilmore says. His thumbs run over Vax's cheeks, and can feel him wiping away tears that Vax didn't realize he'd been crying. “Are you able to stay long?”

“No,” Vax answers, finally sitting back in his chair, Gilmore’s hands slipping away from him. “We’re off to forge some god-smiting tools at an underwater volcano, I think.”

Gilmore raises his eyebrows. “Look at how far you’ve all come.”

Vax smiles at him. “Yeah. We made good, didn’t we?”

“Of course you did,” Gilmore says. “I _never_ doubted that you would.” He winks and Vax can’t help but laugh. 

As Gilmore rises from his chair, Vax does too. They meet around the side of the coffee table and Vax doesn’t hesitate to hug Gilmore as close as he can. Gilmore’s arms wrap around him tightly in return. They rock together, just a little, like they’re dancing to a tune only they can hear. 

Vax pulls away slightly and looks up into Gilmore’s kind, familiar face. _Fuck it_ , he thinks, and leans up to kiss Gilmore on the mouth. 

The last time Vax kissed Gilmore he'd thought that was it, and he'd kissed him hard and sudden, with all the passion that he'd never been able to articulate. A fitting end, he'd thought, for their almost-romance, rife with flirtation and tension as it had been. Now, when Vax knows in his weightless bones, his cold blood, his barely beating heart that it _will_ be the last time, he kisses Gilmore soft and slow. He lingers there, savoring the feeling of Gilmore’s mouth against his, and feels a thrill in his stomach when Gilmore kisses him back, his lips sure and strong and delicious. Vax knows that he shouldn’t have done this, that he’s only hurting them both more, but he can’t bring himself to regret it, not when Gilmore’s mouth is moving slowly against his. 

By the time Vax pulls away, they’re both out of breath. 

“Well, now you’re just teasing me,” Gilmore says with a watery smile. Vax barks out a laugh and holds him tightly again, burying his face in Gilmore’s shoulder.

“Watch out for them if you can, Shaun,” Vax says, though the words are muffled. “You know how they are.”

“I’m not sure what I could do for the heroes of Exandria, but I’ll try my best,” Gilmore says.

“Just be there for them when they need to talk,” Vax says, “like you always were for me. Keyleth especially.”

“Does she know...,” Gilmore starts to ask, then hesitates.

“She does,” Vax says, nodding against Gilmore’s shoulder. “I’d talked to her about it. About you. I was going to... well, it doesn’t matter now. Yes, she knows.”

“I’ll do my best to be a friend to her,” Gilmore says, reaching up to stroke his hand through Vax's long hair. 

“Thank you,” Vax whispers, and kisses Gilmore’s shoulder before pulling away.

They stand there looking at each other for a long moment, neither quite sure what to say. Then Vax reaches out and takes Gilmore’s hand, leading him towards the beaded curtain. “Come on,” he says, “so you can say goodbye to Kiki.”

Out in the shop, Keyleth is sitting on the floor next to the bookshelves with a pile of discarded tomes next to her. She looks up from the one she’s reading when she hears the beads clack together and watches Vax lead Gilmore through. She must see a familiar pain on Gilmore’s face, because when she rises from the floor it’s him she goes to first, hugging him tightly. “Sorry we came to see you like this,” Vax hears her say softly, “but I thought you would want to know.”

Gilmore takes a deep, steadying breath. “Thank you, Keyleth,” he says. “You were right.” He squeezes her tightly for a moment before stepping back and clearing his throat. “I understand that you have to leave on another grand adventure, or I’d ask you to stay for tea.”

“I wish we could,” Keyleth says. Then a little more quietly, “I wish this wasn’t happening.”

“So do I,” Gilmore says, reaching down out and taking her hand. “You’ve been dealt a terrible hand, my dear. Please, come and see me when this is all over. We’ll have some tea.” Vax calls to his mind’s eye the image of the two of them in Gilmore’s sumptuous sitting room or in Keyleth’s brightly lit kitchen having tea together - talking, crying, making each other laugh. It’s a good thought.

“We should get going, Kiki,” Vax says gently. “We don’t want to hold up everyone else.”

“Yeah. Yes, definitely,” Keyleth says, hurriedly wiping tears from her cheeks. “We should go back.”

“Don’t be a stranger, Keyleth,” Gilmore says as she gives him another hug.

“I won’t,” she says. “I feel like we’ll need each other after this.”

“That we will,” Gilmore says, and presses a kiss to her cheek.

Keyleth sniffles and steps back, valiantly trying not to burst into tears and scare Gilmore’s customers.

Vax steps up and wraps his arms around Gilmore. He hugs him as tightly as he can and feels Gilmore’s fingers press into the leather of his armor. “Goodbye, Shaun,” he whispers into his ear. “Thank you for everything.”

“The pleasure was all mine,” Gilmore whispers back, and Vax can hear the tears in his wavering voice.

Vax squeezes Gilmore and then steps back. He leans up for a kiss, a simple press of lips that hurts even as he relishes it.

When they pull away, Vax slips his hand into Gilmore’s. “Okay,” he says. “We have to go.”

“I understand,” Gilmore says, smiling down at him. “I’ll miss you, Vax.”

“Live well for me, huh?” Vax replies, beginning to step away but keeping his hand in Gilmore’s.

Gilmore nods once, his hand strong and solid in Vax’s. They keep holding on until they can’t anymore, their fingers brushing as their hands fall away.

Keyleth waits at the door, doing her best to stand tall when Vax can tell she wants nothing more than to curl in on herself. “We’ll - I’ll come by soon, Gilmore,” she says. 

Gilmore waves from his place by the counter. “I look forward to it.”

Keyleth opens the door and Vax follows her out, not daring to look back. 

Once they’re back out in the bright sun, light skipping off the cobblestones, Vax takes a deep breath. He feels Keyleth standing beside him, the warm reassurance of her body, and her hand slips into his. 

Vax isn’t sure how long they stand in the street, him just breathing as people bustle past. Eventually Keyleth breaks the silence with a soft voice. “Are you glad you told him?” she asks.

Vax hesitates, closes his eyes for a brief moment. “Yes, I am. I don’t know if it’s good for him, or if it’ll help at all, but... I love him, and I’m glad I got to say goodbye.”

Keyleth nods. Her fiery hair glints under the midday sun. “Good,” she says. “That’s good.”

Vax sighs and squeezes her hand. “Let’s go back, huh? Big day.”

Keyleth chuckles. “What day isn’t?” she says, and they begin their walk back.

**Author's Note:**

> [come find me on twitter](http://twitter.com/witchjail) where i talk about cr basically 24/7


End file.
